Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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