TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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