i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
