I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How naked do you want me to be?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
