A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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