dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
