Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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