Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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