the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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