It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
two words...techno handjob
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
