I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize