Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
