it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
