If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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