Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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