How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
