the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
