Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
