I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize