Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
