Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
