i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I touched a dick in church today
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
