I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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