dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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