Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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