There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
