just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
