I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
