yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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