I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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