I'll bet she douches with gravy.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
