I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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