Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
