Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize