I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
