Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
