Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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