Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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