dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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