Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
