I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
