I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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