did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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