Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
