She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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