So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize