We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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