Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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