Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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