Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
