that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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