Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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