I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
