Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
