i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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