That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
