awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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