so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
