she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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