I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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