Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My ATM looks so different sober.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
