it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
