I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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