So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
