you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
