Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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